Weight loss is often viewed as a journey toward improved physical and mental well-being. While the health benefits are undeniable, the profound impact on social and romantic relationships is frequently underestimated. Many people underestimate the profound effects that significant weight loss can have on relationships. For many, the desire for improved relationships is a primary motivator for embarking on this transformative journey. This article explores the multifaceted aspects of dating after weight loss, offering guidance on setting realistic expectations, cultivating self-confidence, and navigating the evolving dynamics of interpersonal connections.
The Unexpected Transformation: Social and Relationship Dynamics After Weight Loss
Healthy weight loss produces improved metabolic and hormonal function. With physical health improvements, people are liberated to become more socially active. Improved body image and confidence often result in a person becoming more outgoing and socially active. Physical appearance changes result in reduced social stigma, less self-consciousness, and more positive social interactions. Expect social and relationships to change after weight loss.
Research even shows that major social changes after weight loss are common, suggesting that we should be actively thinking about and planning for these changes so as to support not just our medically-related weight loss goals but also our broader goals of improved happiness and quality of life. Changes in relationships represent an important and often overlooked part of a healthy weight loss journey.
For some individuals, these changes may be among the most life-altering that they experience on their weight-loss journeys.
Setting Relationship Goals
Just as you might have specific weight goals and health goals, think about what you want your social, family, and romantic life to look after weight loss. Share your social goals with your friends, family, and partners. You are more likely to achieve both your health and social and relational goals after weight loss if you have a shared vision with the people in your life.
Read also: Reducing Muscle Soreness After Massage
Challenging the "Wait to Date" Mentality
If you’re waiting to date until you’ve lost weight, this message is for you. It’s not easy putting yourself out there when you’re feeling uncomfortable in your body. This is a bad goal to have because it’s subjective, arbitrary, and it’s never going to be the perfect time. Chances are you won’t lose the weight - all you’ll lose are years of not being absolutely adored. The longer you wait to date, the more space you place in between you and love.
Redefining "Presentable"
The reality is you can become more presentable with so many other ways rather than weight loss. Basic hygiene goes a long way!
Overcoming the Fear of Rejection
You also might be shying away from dating as a defense mechanism. You reject it before anyone rejects you.
Shifting Your Mindset: From Scarcity to Abundance
A shift in perspective is key. When we focus on trying to lose weight, we force ourselves into a scarcity mindset. This keeps us from making choices that serve us. Instead, we make choices that further restrict us. Shift from trying to lose weight to trying to move more and feel better about food. Developing a healthy relationship with food will help you reach your body’s natural set point, helping you live optimally. Moving your body will help you build strength and confidence, and it’ll release endorphins that’ll boost your mood.
Focusing on the weight you haven’t lost puts you in a scarcity mindset. It’s an “I don’t have” mentality. Instead, shift your thinking to what it is you do have. What are your strengths? Are you witty, hilarious, philosophical, analytical, fun-loving, or all of the above? What are some physical features you love about yourself?
Read also: Achieve Weight Loss with CrossFit
Embracing Your Worth: You Are the Prize
It’s so easy to worry about whether you are going to be impressive enough or good enough. But, angel! Do you realize you are the mother effing prize? Instead of glorifying the person on the other end of the date, glorify yourself. They are lucky to be in your presence. They are lucky they get to enjoy you. Your date is damn lucky to laugh at your jokes and learn about your life story. You’re a blessing to their day!
When we shift our perspective and realize we are the prize, we put ourselves in the driver’s seat of our emotions. Instead of trying to impress the other person, step into your confidence and be yourself. Who you are naturally is worthy of love and affection, and a date is your time to determine whether they are worthy of the same. It’s not the other way around.
Accepting Rejection as Part of the Process
We aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, and that’s a good thing. Not every person you go on a date with is going to want a second one, and that’s okay. The more comfortable you get with that being a possibility, the better you’ll be able to handle it when it happens.
Cultivating Self-Love and Confidence
It’s important to treat yourself to things that make you feel good in your body - as long as they’re within your budget, of course! If you’re still holding on to clothes that don’t fit you, it’s time to either donate them, sell them, or put them in a box underneath your bed. Are your clothes covered? Cool. Maybe there’s a fancy lip stain you love. Get it before your first date! Or maybe you’ve been eyeing a new perfume. Snag it before your next night out. Obsessed with yoga? Buy a membership and make the commitment to go weekly! Begin cultivating a life that celebrates you and includes things you enjoy.
Releasing the Chains of Weight Loss
When we free ourselves from the chains of needing to lose weight, we open up opportunities to do the things we want so badly. When we accept where we are and who we are now, we realize how deserving we are of happiness. Just as we are.
Read also: Transformations with Ozempic
Navigating Relationships After Bariatric Surgery
If you have struggled with your weight your whole life, bariatric surgery is one of the most life-changing experiences you’ll ever have. It’s an exciting time, but can also be challenging in ways that might surprise you. Just as your body changes after bariatric weight loss surgery, your interpersonal relationships may also evolve. It’s easy to think that losing weight will make dating or knowing how to communicate with your spouse easier, but you may find people simply treat you differently.
Addressing Spousal Concerns and Insecurities
If you are in a committed relationship, your spouse or significant other is the person other than yourself who has the biggest stake in your life. He or she may act differently or be afraid of the change you have undergone. It’s not that your spouse doesn’t care for you; it’s just that it can feel strange to lose the old you. Leaving that sense of familiarity behind may be stressful, but you should see this as an opportunity, not a threat.
Watch for signs your spouse feels rejected or self-conscious. This is most common if your partner is also affected by excess weight, but did not undergo weight loss surgery. It’s important to be more attentive than normal, and to let him or her know you aren’t planning on leaving after your significant weight loss.
Look out for controlling behavior or jealousy: You may find yourself getting more attention from the opposite sex than you had in the past. It’s likely your partner will notice this, too. It’s imperative that he or she is secure enough to avoid destructive, jealous behavior, such as acting on possessiveness, anger and feelings of anxiety and depression. If you see signs of this, try to first talk openly with your partner in order to dissuade any fears.
Maintaining Independence and Self-Love
Although marriage and similar relationships are often viewed as partnerships, it’s important that you maintain a certain level of independence and truly love yourself. After weight loss surgery, you may feel more independent and less inclined to exhibit codependent tendencies toward your spouse. An insecure partner may try to exercise power over you.
Addressing Intimacy Issues
After weight loss surgery, there are a few things that may increase your insecurity levels and negatively impact your intimacy with your partner, including gastrointestinal intestinal issues and excessive skin.
GI tract problems sometimes cause gas, bloating or diarrhea, which can be embarrassing when you’re attempting to be intimate with your spouse. These challenges may force you to plan your romantic rendezvous ahead of time because spontaneous intimacy may end unpleasantly. If you’re having GI tract issues, talk to your doctor about possible solutions.
Excessive skin is often caused by rapid weight loss. Having to look at loose skin before and during intimacy can be detrimental to your self-esteem, and it’s important to love your new body for all that it is.
Navigating Newfound Attention and Potential Suitors
It’s not unusual to start receiving more interest from potential suitors after severe weight loss, or to feel resentful about the newly-found attention. Interactions with these individuals may leave you asking yourself questions like, “Would they treat me the same way if I hadn’t lost all that weight?” However, if you’re ready to get back into the singles scene, your best bet for successfully dating after weight loss is to adjust to the new you. If you need help navigating this time in your life, join an in-person or online weight loss support group. You can sign up on your own, or encourage your significant other to join with you.
The Importance of Patience and Self-Acceptance
Stress can challenge even the strongest relationships, but knowing what to look out for gives you a better chance at maintaining a healthy romance. The weight loss you have longed for isn’t enough if you’re not at peace with yourself. Even then, the new you will be pretty lonely if you don’t have good relationships in your life. The most useful tool you have is patience. Time changes everything; most difficulties pass if you give them enough time.
Addressing Weight Bias and Stigma
It's hardly a surprise that people who are obese face considerable discrimination. Whether seeking a new job, being in the workplace, or applying for health coverage, the bias against overweight men and women can be hard to overcome. Research into weight bias has found a consistent tendency to view overweight people as being "lazier," less motivated, and more to blame for their weight compared to thinner individuals. This is especially true when obesity is regarded as something that can be easily controlled through willpower and making the "right" health decisions.
But weight bias also plays a powerful role in the kind of relationships we form. Studies have found that even preschoolers are more likely to choose thin or average-size children to play with rather than overweight ones. As we grow and mature, overweight individuals often find themselves being at a disadvantage in dating and forming long-term relationships. In surveys looking at college-age participants, overweight individuals are often less likely to be chosen as sexual partners when compared with those who are thinner. In qualitative studies of middle-aged overweight individuals, the most upsetting comments about obesity tend to come from friends (followed closely by comments from parents, strangers, and spouses).
Sadly enough, this kind of weight bias also seems to extend to people who are formerly obese (i.e., thin people with a history of obesity). One 2003 study into ratings of attractiveness showed that thin targets who are described as formerly obese tend to be rated as less attractive than targets for whom no weight history was provided. Other researchers looking at mate choices in undergraduates found that thin males are less likely to view formerly obese individuals as potential mates.
The Impact of Weight Loss Method on Perceived Attractiveness
Even the method used to lose weight can play a role in weight bias aimed at the formerly obese. In general, people who have undergone bariatric surgery (including stomach stapling or gastric bypass) tend to be viewed more negatively than people who lose weight through diet and exercise. People who have had bariatric surgery also tend to be seen as less attractive and less healthy, especially by female raters. Formerly obese females who have lost weight through bariatric surgery are also less likely to be hired by employers than females who lost weight through diet and exercise.
Research on Weight Bias and Romantic Choices
Unfortunately, the research that has looked at weight bias tend to be relatively limited. Not only do most of these studies focus on females, but there has been relatively little attention paid to the kind of bias attached to other forms of weight loss, i.e., use of diet pills. But a new study published in the journal Stigma and Health presents the results of a comprehensive study examining weight bias towards the formerly obese and how it related to romantic choices.
Robert A. Carels of East Carolina University and a team of fellow researchers recruited a large sample of undergraduate students (318 men, 379 women) to take part in a survey using the online questionnaire platform, Qualtrics. In the study, each participant was told that they would be questioned about “Health Decisions, Physical Characteristics, and Romantic Interest.” They were then presented with the following vignette: "You are single, not in a relationship currently, and interested in dating. You’ve met the [man/woman] below in one of your classes. You’ve spoken with [him/her] a couple times. However, an individual’s appearance can sometimes reveal important information about him or her. Based on [his/her] appearance, answer the following questions about the [man/woman]."
They were then presented with target images of a young man and young woman (both obese and thin) for which participants were expected to rate the targets in terms of personality traits and relationship desirability. Along with demographic information, participants used the Mate Value Inventory-7 (MVI-7) asking them to rate the person shown in the picture on 19 qualities. Ratings were given using a seven-point scale on whether the person in the picture was: ambitious, had an attractive face, an attractive body, desires children, enthusiastic about sex, faithful to partners, financially secure, generous, good sense of humor, healthy, independent, intelligent, kind and understanding, loyal, responsible, shares [my] values, shares [my] interests, sociable, and emotionally stable along with other personality traits.
For the purpose of the experimental conditions, participants received information that the person they were rating used to be 75 pounds heavier and that [he/she] showed them a picture of [himself/herself] prior to losing weight. For each experimental condition, participants were told that the weight had been lost by either: diet and exercise, through bariatric surgery, or by use of diet pills.
Results showed that obese people were consistently rated lower as a potential spouse by both males and females. Interestingly enough, females also indicated they were more likely to rate overweight people as friends rather than thin ones while men showed the opposite trend. As for how formerly obese people were rated, ratings of mate value and romantic interest also dropped when participants learned about past history of obesity, regardless of weight loss method.
There were also interesting gender differences in terms of how participants viewed different weight loss methods. Men tended to rate women who lost weight through diet and exercise more favorably in terms of positive personality traits than those who used other methods but it didn't seem to have much effect on their potential mate value. Women, on the other hand, tended to be fairly negative in terms of how they rated men who lost weight using diet pills, even more so that for men who had bariatric surgery.
According to Carels and his fellow researchers, these results suggest that the stigma surrounding obesity extends even to formerly obese people, largely due to the perception that weight loss is only temporary. As well, people who rely on diet pills or surgery for weight loss are often seen as having less discipline and being more prone to resuming their formerly unhealthy lifestyles.
There was also evidence for a "halo effect" since this negative view of obesity extended beyond factors such as mate value or physical attractiveness but also seemed to involve personality traits that were apparently unrelated.
Though more research is needed, this study helps demonstrate the kind of stigma that obese people, and even formerly obese people, continue to face in society. Even the method people use to lose weight can affect the way they are viewed by others, especially when it comes to choosing them as potential romantic partners.
Embracing a Healthier Lifestyle and Its Impact on Dating
Don’t freak out; adapting a healthier lifestyle WILL change your dating life. When I committed to my wellness utilizing some serious Indiana Jones-style “soul archeology,” things began to shift way beyond changes to my bodacious bod. I’ve looked at my relationship to food, my body, self-care, and, of course, how I view dating.
Getting healthier is an emotional journey. My decision to become healthier sets me up to thrive in my own life. I’m not a finished product in a “before” and “after” photo; every day I make a choice to show my body love. I’ve had confidence in my skin at every size.
The "Dating Pool Limbo"
For a larger woman who loves fitness, there’s a “dating pool limbo” and I’m stuck in it.Lots of guys are attracted to larger women. The men I’ve come across who do value health and fitness, haven’t been into a woman like me. They want a package that’s smaller and sculpted.
Shifting from Drinks to Activities
You know what makes a great date? Going to a board game cafe or a bookstore. It spawns more natural conversation than posing perfectly on a barstool nursing a gin and tonic. I’d rather eat my macros than drink them.
Reduced Need to Prove Yourself
In the past, I would have never showed up for a first date in anything less than a bodycon dress flaunting my assets. This was my “power uniform” and I wore it like armor. These days I rely less on my clothes to “make a statement” about who I am and more on my energy. I’ve realized I don’t have to showcase my body or “ante up” overt sexuality to show my value.
Prioritizing Respect
I used to be pretty ambiguous about the standard I deserved in a partner. I made excuses for cruddy behaviors because I didn’t see I was worth more. I didn’t truly know what respect looked like from a partner or from myself for my own body, emotional health, and my purpose-driven life. These days, I show up for myself in a major way. Lack of respect is the ultimate deal breaker.
Embracing Solitude and Independence
At 38, I’m flying solo and living an independent life. And of course there is an awareness that I’m getting older. But I'm not anxious about it. I get to wake up every day and create something beautiful with my life! I would love a partner to share it with me, but I know I’m damn good at creating my own joy, and I live with energy and enthusiasm about the future. I am truly OK being alone until I find what I am looking for.
Dating while on a health journey forces you to be clear about who you are, and what you are looking for. It means less prospective partners, but deeper and more intimate connections when you do meet someone. While I haven't found that "one" partner yet, my entire equilibrium has shifted. My focus is now on living the best life I can, regardless of if I am dating or alone.
The Male Perspective: Dating After Significant Weight Loss
Mike had lived most of his life overweight. But when he turned 20, he started working out four days a week and eating healthier. Within two years, he had shed more than 80 pounds and gained muscle and confidence. To his surprise, though, when he tried to start dating again, very little changed. He got more matches on dating apps, but things were harder than ever IRL.
“When I was overweight and a girl was nice or flirted with me, I was sure that she was interested in who I am. As unexpected as it may seem, Mike’s experience isn’t an outlier, and for many guys like him, the heightened expectations can be a letdown. “They may struggle with the newfound attention in the changes in their body, which can further aggravate their physical insecurities,” therapist Sam Nabil explains. As the CEO and lead therapist of Naya Clinics, he frequently sees single men who have lost weight struggle to form new relationships. These fears aren’t always as obvious as stretch marks and loose skin either; there are “consequential psychological changes” that come with significant weight loss, Nabil warns.
The Impact on Male Body Image and Expectations
Unlike women, men don’t tend to anticipate increased objectification after they lose weight, a fact that can be made more difficult by the stereotype that women are forgiving about male bodies, when research shows they’re just as critical about excess weight as men.
Seeking Therapy and Support
As such, Nabil recommends cognitive behavioral therapy for anyone going through this kind of physical transformation.