Margaret Cho, a groundbreaking comedian, actor, and advocate, has navigated a complex journey intertwined with weight, Hollywood pressures, and her overall health. Her story, marked by both professional success and personal struggles, offers a glimpse into the challenges many face in the entertainment industry and beyond.
Early Career and the Pressure to Conform
Cho's career took off when she was hired to star in "All-American Girl," the first network sitcom about an Asian-American family, back in 1994. However, the pressure to fit into Hollywood's standards took a toll. She felt immense pressure to lose weight, believing her success depended on it. "I wanted the job so bad. I thought…if I don’t lose this weight I won’t be able to [be on TV]," Margaret says.
Extreme Measures and Health Consequences
Driven by this pressure, Cho resorted to extreme measures, including starvation diets and diet pills. Through diet and exercise and sheer terror, she lost 30 pounds in two weeks. The rapid weight loss had severe consequences, leading to a drastic decline in her kidney function and acute kidney failure, requiring hospitalization. "I have a lot of regret because I did not appreciate how beautiful I was. I just thought I was fat and ugly and I was so angry about the way I looked. Through diet and exercise and sheer terror, I lost 30 pounds in two weeks. I got sick, big sick. My kidneys collapsed," Cho told The Guardian. "I am just so glad to have survived and so amazed to have been alive for as long as I have been."
Addiction and Recovery
Margaret struggled with addiction, using alcohol and drugs to mask her hunger, a common coping mechanism for those with eating disorders. "Eating disorders are terminal diseases. For me, it’s a cancer," she says. "It’s a very secretive disease," Margaret says. "You do weird sh*t. I would get a whole loaf of bread and chew it and then spit it out into the toilet." She eventually sought help and joined a rehabilitation center in 2016, where she stayed for a year and a half, marking a turning point in her journey toward recovery.
Body Image and Self-Acceptance
Cho has been open about her struggles with body image and self-acceptance. She has expressed regret for not appreciating her beauty and for the anger she directed towards her appearance. One thing I learned about myself on “Dancing with the Stars” is how startlingly insecure I am about my body. I am thin enough, I suppose, but I know I am not as healthy as I can be. I felt clumsy and awkward among the svelte, swanlike figures of Jennifer and Brandi and Audrina - I am not ‘in’ my body as they seem to be, and my dancing was heavily influenced by that. When you are dancing, you have to constantly look at yourself in the mirror, which I had great problems with. I don’t look in the mirror much. I never have. I never watch myself perform, with the exception of when I am playing music, but then I am usually looking for mistakes I have made on guitar so I can correct them, or I am watching the other musicians. Having to watch myself and preparing for other people to watch me dance was nerve racking, not because I expected myself to be such a good dancer, but because I am so unaware and out of touch with my physical body, it was like I was having to power myself with a remote control with fading batteries. There was a tabloid story about how I was the obnoxious one backstage at DWTS, but I don’t know who could have said this because frankly I never said a word backstage. I didn’t speak at all because I was so terrified of having to be compared to the beautiful dancers next to me. One contestant and corresponding partner would say almost every taping, “Stop being so nervous!” which just made me feel worse. What sucks is I danced beautifully in rehearsals whenever my wonderful partner Louis and I were alone, but this was completely frustrating because when we would get out on the ballroom floor I couldn’t replicate it because I felt so weird about the way I looked. This hit me as so strange because I thought I had left all these physical insecurities and self doubt behind, but what truly happened was I was just in denial about how much self hatred I had left in me. Now I really need to let this go, not just for myself, but for everyone in my life, everyone who comes to see me perform, everyone who hears my voice and gets it and loves it. We need to feel good about ourselves, not just for competition shows or dance contests, but so we can truly live.
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Moving Forward: Health and Advocacy
Today, Cho is thriving and uses her platform to advocate for racial equality, LGBTQ+ rights, and body positivity. She emphasizes the importance of consistency and self-care, focusing on how exercise makes her feel rather than solely on changing her appearance. I’ve been working out hard and watching my diet for several months now, and I am doing well. I enjoy exercise and it’s one of the few moments that I get to have to myself during a busy day. It’s not really so much about changing the way that I look as opposed to changing the way that I feel. My back pain has become more manageable and my moods have become stabilized. I sleep better at night and also can shift between time zones more easily. There’s a spring in my step and I feel younger overall. Of course I love food and I cheat on my ‘diet’ every day, and when I say ‘diet’ I mean eating pretty much gluten-free/grain-free/sugar-free foods but of course there’s always cookies and shit in there. It’s all about being consistent and doing something for myself physically every day.
The Unforeseen Attention
Cho has also spoken about the unexpected attention she received after losing weight, both positive and negative. The male attention I have received since losing weight has been both aggressive and hostile like this and more tame, yet still boundary violating like some dude grabbing my waist and rib cage on the street, catcalls, etc. I am not sure what to attribute this to other than my changed appearance. I also have been receiving more positive attention - and that’s a bit of a problem too. I think that trainers need to educate their clients on what to do with the amount of attention we receive in our new bodies. I think that for me, being thinner always meant being more sexual, and this is not necessarily appropriate for me. In the past, whenever I got thinner, I wanted to show my body to as many people as I could because I was convinced I wouldn’t have it for long, and so I wanted proof that it existed in the approving glances of others. I am old enough (not too old for tattoos) and mature enough now to know not to go crazy like this anymore. I want to keep my body healthy and enjoy being fit, and not feel that I have to be thin in order to be valued.
The Joy of Shopping
She also talks about the simple joy of being able to shop for clothes that fit, a stark contrast to her past experiences. The other thing that trainers don’t really warn you about is shopping. It is such a rush to go to a store and be able to buy clothing! Before, when I shopped with my beautiful, thin actress friends, I would never be able to buy anything but housewares! They’d be trying on the cutest outfits and I was limited to mugs and bead curtains. Now I can wear different kinds of things and it’s so exciting that I want to shop all the time! It’s absolutely insane! To look at clothing tags that say ‘m’ and ‘s’ and even ‘xs’ sometimes is a total rush for me. It’s an expensive high though, and it’s not the right thing to do.
Recognizing Bad Habits and Moving Forward
Cho acknowledges her addictive personality, particularly when it comes to food, and the importance of facing food in a healthy way. I started to regress into bad habits while DWTS training. I would put on my eating dress and panic-eat entire pizzas and boxes of chocolates. I have no problem eating this way to satisfy hunger, but I wasn’t eating two whole pizzas and entire boxes of sees candy (large from Dominos with extra pepperoni, sausage - seriously along with one bite each of every chocolate in a big boxed assortment because of pickiness) because I was hungry. I wasn’t hungry - because I was already eating these balanced meals we got for free so we wouldn’t pass out from all the training - there was no starvation going on, that’s for sure. I was eating because I was so scared all the time (golden oreos became my life). I could tell that this obsessive behavior wasn’t about eating, it was about escape. My mouth would be all torn up from biting the insides of my cheeks, because I was so desperate to get the food down so fast I wasn’t chewing properly. I was trying to run away into the cheese, into the caramel filling, into the creamy lard middle of the golden oreo. This was super scary. I don’t want to do this to myself anymore. I have been trying to eat healthier to get some sanity around food. I know that I am an addictive personality, especially when it comes to food, but you can’t give up food like you can give up drugs and alcohol. We have to eat, so we have to face food and face it several times a day. I am making a commitment to myself to eat better and get into my body. I am trying to work out more, not to lose weight or get fit, but to get inside my skin. I did this briefly with bellydance and burlesque, but now DWTS has shown me I really need to get more committed to really living my life. I know it’s just reality TV, but interestingly enough, it made my reality more real and I am changing my life for the better. I will be back in the audience next week to cheer on the stars and their pro dancers, feeling radiant and confident and happy, knowing I will dance again another day. And though it was hard, I have fond memories of dancing on that floor. I’d love to hear your stories about body issues like this. I need some help and guidance and support.
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