Weight loss. It's a topic fraught with societal expectations, personal sensitivities, and potential pitfalls. While the intention behind a congratulatory message is often positive, the impact can be far more complex. This article aims to guide you through the nuances of congratulating someone on weight loss, ensuring your words uplift and support rather than inadvertently causing harm.
The Problematic Nature of Weight Loss Congratulations
Society has conditioned us to believe that smaller bodies are better bodies, which means weight loss is often celebrated, no matter the context. Conversations about weight are tricky. The word “weight” is so loaded with negative meanings. But here’s the thing: when you lose weight, people notice. It’s human nature. What’s awkward, though, is how people feel compelled to say something about it.
Complimenting someone on their weight loss is tricky-it can bring up a lot of emotions, even when it’s well-intentioned. What’s problematic is that everyone views it differently, and it’s hard to figure out which people want compliments. Some people crave recognition of their hard work, yet others see your “Way to go!” as a source of pressure.
Weight loss congratulations messages matter because they show someone you noticed the quiet work behind the change; the skipped takeout, the early alarms, the long walks when everyone else was still scrolling.
Why "Congratulations" Can Miss the Mark
Congratulating or applauding weight loss in someone with a real health concern reinforces the idea that weight loss is an evidence-based treatment strategy, which in most cases it’s not. Focusing on weight loss can overshadow the real achievements: improved health and well-being.
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The Diet Culture Influence
Doctors, nurses, dietitians and other healthcare providers are humans, and we humans all exist within diet culture, like it or not. When you have a chronic health condition such as type 2 diabetes or a condition that increases the risk of heart attack or stroke, such as high blood pressure or high cholesterol, and your doctor recommends weight loss, you are probably going to try to comply. Especially if you haven’t already done the work to divest from diet culture.
The Arbitrary Nature of "Clinically Meaningful" Weight Loss
Whatever number is thrown out to represent “clinically meaningful” weight loss, usually 5-10%, but sometimes as little as 3%, it totally arbitrary. A few years ago, I read a research paper (which I can’t find right now, and it’s killing me) that said for ages doctors would recommend that their “overweight” or “obese” patients lose 20% of their body weight. In 2013, an expert panel formed by the National Institutes of Health concluded that as little as 3 percent weight loss could improve blood sugar and triglycerides, while 5 percent may be necessary to improve blood pressure and cholesterol. For example, in the Diabetes Prevention Study, participants who increased their amount of physical activity by about 150 minutes per week were 44 percent less likely to develop diabetes, even though they didn’t achieve “clinically significant” weight loss. A 2016 editorial in the journal Obesity said that unfortunately, most doctors will likely stick to the idea that their patients who have BMIs in the “obese” range need to achieve at least a 5 percent weight loss. Why unfortunate?
The Risk of Reinforcing Unhealthy Ideals
As Roxane Gay so brilliantly puts it in Hunger (highly recommended read!), “Compliments about weight loss often feel like a backhanded admission that you weren’t worthy before.” And she’s absolutely right. Comments like these can unintentionally reinforce harmful ideas that worthiness is tied to size or appearance.
Shifting the Focus: What to Say Instead
If you genuinely want to compliment someone who’s lost weight-or gone through any noticeable physical change-focus on empowering statements. Instead, compliment their efforts towards better health and wellness. This shows that you see the bigger picture and you want to support them as they create a healthier lifestyle. Choose words that show you think your friend or loved one is amazing, no matter their size.
Emphasize Health and Well-being
- “It’s wonderful that you’re focusing on your health.”
- “You look healthy!”
- “You look like you’re feeling good!”
- “You look strong.”
- “You have great energy.”
- “You seem really happy.”
- “You’re glowing!”
- “Your strength and dedication have truly paid off.”
- “Watching your journey has been so inspiring.”
These comments are about more than appearance. They reflect health, confidence, and vitality-things that matter far more than the number on a scale.
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Acknowledge Effort and Dedication
- “You’ve worked so hard, and it really shows.”
- “Your hard work and dedication have paid off!”
- “You’ve been quietly changing routines while everyone kept talking about plans.”
- “You look like someone who traded excuses for sneakers.”
- “You didn’t chase perfection, you just kept showing up.”
- "Here’s to the quiet grind that nobody posted about. Small steps, real change. Watching your journey has been incredible."
- "You’ve proven it’s possible to hit deadlines and personal goals at the same time."
These phrases recognize the individual's commitment and perseverance, highlighting the positive behaviors that led to the weight loss.
Offer Support and Encouragement
- “How can I support you?”
- “Do you want to go on a walk with me?”
- "Mom, I’m so proud of all the hard work you’ve put into your health. You’ve been cooking smaller portions and taking longer walks. I saw you fold those old jeans and smile. You’ve become the one who suggests walks after dinner instead of dessert. Congratulations, Mom! You look radiant and healthy."
- "Sis, your strength and dedication have truly paid off. You used to laugh about skipping workouts. Now you’re the one texting me to get moving. Your old hoodie hangs like it doesn’t know you anymore. You’ve always been strong, but now it’s showing on the outside too. Way to go, sister! You did it!"
- "You’ve been packing lunches instead of joining us for takeout. You’ve made the break room chips look like background noise. We should put your name on the office fridge at this point. Seeing your progress has been so inspiring. You’re officially the champion of willpower!"
The best way to know how to support someone with their weight loss goals is to simply ask. They may want a workout buddy, or they might just want someone to talk to when they face challenges. Some people even prefer it if you don’t mention diet or weight at all. Invite them to join you in any fitness activities you enjoy, such as going for a walk, joining a group exercise class, or playing tennis. Sharing time to exercise together will increase the intensity and duration of both your workouts.
Ask About Their Experience
For Hilary Russo, a Daily Burn 365 participant who recently lost 20 pounds, the perfect compliment is: “‘You look amazing! Tell me what you’ve been doing.’ This gives the person a chance to open up and say what’s positive for them,” says Russo, 43, on-camera talent for QVC and communications professor in New York City.
What to Avoid Saying
There are absolutely wrong ways to address someone’s weight loss. Intent doesn’t always equal impact, and some comments can sting, even when they’re meant as compliments.
Comments Focused Solely on Appearance
- “You look thin!”
- “Wow, you’re losing weight!”
- “Your clothes are so big now!”
- “You look so great now!”
- "You’ve lost soooo much weight!"
- "You look great now. You don’t need to lose weight.”
While intended as a compliment, it carries a not-so-subtle implication that you didn’t think I looked great before. It’s like saying, “Now you’re finally acceptable!” Double ouch.
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Unsolicited Advice or Comparisons
- “What’s your secret?”
- “I know someone that lost 50 pounds on a special diet.”
- “Should you really be eating that?”
- “One bite won’t hurt.”
- “How much do you weigh?”
Unless you’re prepared for a deep dive into medical history, dietary changes, and emotional struggles, don’t ask. I might just bend your ear off with the whole story. Spoiler: It’s not a secret. It’s hard work, sacrifice, and plenty of moments when I wished Ben & Jerry weren’t such a reliable duo. Don’t offer anecdotes about people you know who succeeded or failed on popular or fad diet plans. First, this invites comparison which isn’t helpful for someone embarking on a weight loss journey. Second, you should leave any diet advice to the experts. Many popular diets have contradictory guidelines, which can be confusing to someone trying a new eating plan. Some diets can even be dangerous for people with certain medical histories. Unless this person has specifically asked you to hold them accountable for everything they put in their mouth, don’t take on the role of food police. This can be embarrassing and discouraging to someone trying to change their eating habits. Playing food police can even lead to worse dietary choices rather than better ones. Negative messages about foods and food choices can lead dieters to eat significantly more unhealthy snacks. On the other end of the spectrum, don’t try to entice the person to have food that isn’t healthy or on their plan. One little bite can hurt them, especially if they are trying to overcome binge eating disorder or have other medical conditions. One little bite often leads to more, and having an unplanned “cheat meal” can undo a lot of hard work. Some people are more sensitive about disclosing their weight than others, so it’s always best not to ask someone their weight. If they want to share it, they will volunteer it themselves. Remember that the number on the scale isn’t always the best measure of progress towards better health.
Potentially Offensive or Alarming Remarks
- “Do you have cancer?”
- “I didn’t want to say anything, but …”
Let’s agree this is the worst. Not only does it trivialize serious illnesses, but it also immediately turns a conversation about progress into a moment of discomfort and fear. Please don’t. Israel was offended when a few people said: “I didn’t want to say anything, but …” “I interpreted it as though I’d gotten too heavy for my own good.
The Importance of Context
Knowing the Person Well
If you don’t know the person well. You could ignore the comment (easiest if the comment is made in a group, rather than to you personally). If you do know them well. If a family member, friend, or co-worker you’re fond of is the one commenting that they lost weight for their diabetes or blood pressure, you can let the weight loss part of their comment slide right past, and instead ask them questions about what really matters most: how well they’re managing their health condition, and how they feel about having a health condition that has to be managed in the first place. Ask what changes they’ve made (behavior-wise). If they say they’re exercising more, ask them what they’re doing for exercise, and if they enjoy it.
Weight Loss for Health Reasons
To congratulate or applaud weight loss in someone with a real health concern reinforces the idea that weight loss is an evidence-based treatment strategy, which in most cases it’s not. …benefit health regardless of current body size or any changes in body size.
Timing and Setting
“I would most certainly not discuss one’s weight around others, as this will likely be humiliating,” Vasserman says. “Additionally, I would avoid any conversation about health and weight if you or your loved one are in an emotionally vulnerable state, such as during a heated argument.”
Dos and Don'ts When Approaching a Loved One About Weight Loss
If a loved one is overweight, you may be concerned and want to intervene. After all, having a high body mass index (BMI) is associated with a higher risk for health issues like type 2 diabetes, heart disease, and cancer, as well as a low quality of life. However, weight loss is a sensitive topic and a personal choice. If you wish to talk to your friend or family member about it, taking a mindful approach can help you get your message across, if it is welcome, without hurting your loved one’s feelings.
Dos
- Do Ask for Permission: If you’re concerned about the effect your loved one’s weight may be having on their health, start by asking them for permission to discuss it.
- Do Come From a Place of Love: Articulate that your concerns are because you care. Send the message that you are coming from a place of love rather than criticism.
- Do Say, ‘How Can I Help?’: If you’re talking to someone who is thinking about weight loss but seems overwhelmed, remember that sometimes all people need is a supportive ear. The most important feedback, in my professional opinion, would be to suggest to the loved one that you are there for them and will be supportive along the way.
- Do Pay Attention to the Timing of These Conversations: As mentioned, timing is crucial.
Don'ts
- Don’t Say, ‘You Should Go on a Diet’: Avoid accusatory words like “you need to” or “you should”. Offering simplistic advice like “Why don’t you eat less and exercise more?” is also just plain unhelpful.
- Don’t Say, ‘You’re Going to Eat All of That?’: Before being critical, realize that picking on your loved one isn’t likely to produce positive changes.
- Don’t Automatically Compliment a Loved One’s Weight Loss: Unless your loved one has specifically asked for it, refrain from commenting about their weight loss.
Personal Reflections on Receiving Weight Loss Compliments
It was 2020. Like most people, I was stuck at home, navigating the chaos of a global pandemic. Unlike most people, I decided to use that time to focus on my health. Not just to lose weight, but to feel better. To be better. It worked. Slowly but surely, I shed pounds, revamped my diet, and started feeling like myself again. But something happened that I wasn’t prepared for: other people noticed.
I was making a lot of video content at the time. If you watch closely (please don’t), you can see my weight loss progress in real-time. People were seeing it, and some decided to comment on it. Most of the feedback was positive-encouraging, even. And a little crushed. I was working so hard to get healthy, but this comment made me question everything. It wasn’t long before I stopped making videos altogether. That single comment had that much power. It took me nearly five years to rebuild my confidence to even think about being on video again. Stopping was healthy for me-not just because I needed to recalibrate after that comment but for many other reasons. I realized something important during that time: happiness about my progress didn’t come from anyone else. It always came from me. What others said didn’t matter, and honestly, it never should have. That’s real progress-the kind that’s worth every pound, every mile, and every mindful meal.
As a man, I found these comments wildly uncomfortable. I was used to being aware of my body as a fat person-how could I not be? But the attention I got for losing weight? That was a whole new level of mind fuckery. Why did people care so much? Did they think I’d been silently waiting for validation this whole time? Spoiler alert: In many ways, I had been waiting for this moment, but now that it was here, it was weird. And let’s get real-would they always see me as the fat guy anyway? I mean, I do. That’s the thing they don’t tell you about losing weight: your brain still plays reruns of your former self long after the transformation montage ends. Who I was then is who I am now. You don’t live 45 years being the fat guy and just forget it after you shed the weight. But here’s something I’ve contemplated: women at any size deal with this kind of commentary all the time. Imagine being judged for your body not just when you make a big change but constantly for existing in the world. Losing weight gave me an unintentional glimpse into that experience, and let me tell you, I have a newfound respect. Getting compliments for my body felt like being under a weird, unspoken microscope. Being hyper-aware of my body was exhausting-but it also opened my eyes. It helped me appreciate the work it takes to shut out noise and live for yourself.