Gummy bears, those small, chewy candies, have long been a popular treat. People bought Haribo gummy bears for all manner of factors - taste, colour, an unsubstantiated belief that they are going to cling on to your colon for decades, like some sort of gelatinous kaleidoscopic dingleberry (just me? Oh). However, the introduction of sugar-free versions has led to unexpected and often hilariously disastrous consequences, as revealed in numerous online reviews. This article delves into the world of diet gummy bears, exploring the experiences of those who dared to indulge, the science behind the digestive chaos, and a taste test of various gummy bear brands.
The Sugar-Free Gummy Bear Calamity
Last week, Buzzfeed uncovered more than 100 Amazon reviews for the sweets - which, to be fair, do claim to "cause intestinal distress if eaten in excess" in the product description - all describing the apocalyptic laxative effect that they supposedly had on their digestive systems in harrowingly forensic detail. The reviews paint a vivid picture of "gastrointestinal armageddon" after consuming these seemingly innocent treats. Christine E Torok from Pennsylvania wrote that, after eating 20 bears, "What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw". Other customers complained that, after eating the bears, "I was in excruciating pain and passed enough gas to inflate the Hindenberg", that "these things should be outlawed or used as a military weapon", and that "If u buy these gummy bears u will be running to the toilet!!"
The reviews, while comically exaggerated, share a common theme: trapped wind, calamitous flatulence, and sudden, violent bowel evacuation. The sheer volume of these accounts suggests that something truly unusual is happening to consumers of these sugar-free gummy bears.
The Culprit: Maltitol and Lycasin
The sugar-free gummy bears' main "sugary" component, lycasin, can lead to nasty side effects, like stomach problems. The culprit behind these digestive issues is often maltitol, a sugar alcohol used as a sugar substitute. Maltitol is not easily digested by the body, leading to osmosis in the gut. This process draws water into the intestines, resulting in flatulence, cramping, and diarrhea. The undigested sugar triggers osmosis in your gut, which can lead to some unsavory side effects, including flatulence.
Haribo's Stance
It was never Haribo at all! At least not that I can see. Not only has the COO gone on record saying they wouldn’t offer a sugar free product because, and I quote “Too much sugar-free product can act like a laxative,” but Haribo’s customer service also confirmed they offer no sugar free products. Their product page confirms this. FURTHER, friends, I’ve gone month by month on the Wayback Machine, checking the Amazon listing which made these reviews famous, and there is never a sugar free variety offered, only a five lb. bag and various other sizes, all of which list sugar as an ingredient. In fact, these reviews were so old, they were left at a time when you could comment on someone else’s review. What did I see? People imploring those writing the diarrhea diaries to leave their review on the proper product.
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Are the Reviews Real?
To think of such horrible, vulgar things to say about a beloved brand and its products proves just how real the reviews truly are. Every single bad Haribo sugar-free review is almost 100% as real as any other review. To nail this fact further, the toxicity of the product even spread to more beloved products of the company.
A Taste Test of Gummy Bear Brands
Gummy candies are certainly a love-em-or-hate-em kind of thing. Gummy bears, specifically, are one of the more under-appreciated of this candy class. Their small size - and downright cute shape - makes eating them a pleasure, rather than a chore. In order to decide which brands make the best gummy bears, I decided to do a taste test of some of the most popular selections across an array of categories, including low-sugar, "natural," and regular ole bears. As I tasted, I considered several factors, including the texture of the gummy bears, the number of flavors in the pack, and if there were any artificial flavors milling about that would disrupt the overall enjoyability of the candy. Here's a ranking of several gummy bear brands, based on taste, texture, and overall enjoyment:
10. Atkins: The color of these gummies are bright and attractive, their texture is sticky - it's almost like someone had decided to leave the bag out in the sun all day and let all the candies congeal together. When I bit into the first candy, which may have been mango, apple, or pineapple, I found that it squished into my molars and turned into a vat of mush. There was absolutely no chew; it disintegrated after just one bite. The strawberry (or maybe cherry - at this point, I didn't even know), was equally as bad in the texture department. Part of the problem here is that these candies are low-sugar, so they have to supplement their sweetness from another source. In this case, it's allulose. The candy puts the artificial flavor front and center, which makes it hard to enjoy more than a single candy at a time.
9. Lily's: The first big point of contention I had here was that these candies tasted like … nothing. Like the other selections, even the low-sugar ones, had a little bit of fruity flavor and some sweetness, but this one was very restrained - too restrained, as its placing on this list indicates. They kind of felt like eating erasers. There's a plasticky undertone present, but the orange, lemon, raspberry, and strawberry candies all blend into one pile of disappointing mush. I didn't think that I would ever be asking a gummy bear brand to be a little bit sweeter - but here I am. Though, this brand places marginally higher than Atkins on account of its texture. The bears are plump and have a slight chew to them, but only for a few bites.
8. Albanese: When I opened the bag of these gummy bears, I immediately noticed that their texture felt soft and jelly-like - far from the rigid and toothsome Haribo candies I've come to know and love. These were squishy to the touch and almost felt wet - like the package had been punctured and moisture had crept in (which was not the case). The color of these bears is not as bright and punchy as it could have been. The candy looks just like it tastes: diluted. Though, I will give the brand some praise for its flavor variety, as each package contains 12 flavors - from classics like cherry and lemon to more unconventional selections like pink grapefruit and watermelon. However, I kind of felt that all of the flavors mushed into one, except for the orange-flavored candy, which did indeed taste like orange. All in all, it was a mediocre bag of sweets that I wouldn't buy again.
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7. Albanese (Lower-Sugar): This candy tastes like children's shampoo smells - and not in a good way. I'm all about giving people a lower-sugar option to satisfy their sweet cravings, but this is a candy that tastes far too artificial to be enjoyable in any capacity. Unlike the original Albanese candy, this one didn't have the same wet texture. Instead, the candies had a matte coating that was more reminiscent of a classic gummy bear. I also found its texture to be slightly more chewy, and a way better option than the original candies. The flavors here got really muddled and I couldn't easily discern which flavor was which. Plus, the flavors were, as I expected, brimming with artificiality. If you ate one or two blindfolded, you would know that these were not made with real sugar, since they have that super-sweet aftertaste that tastes chemical-like. However, the one redeeming factor that these lower-sugar candies had was that they had a diverse portfolio of flavors, including blue raspberry lemonade, alongside classics like strawberry and orange. I don't think anyone would ever eat these candies willingly, but they were still better than the brand's original candies - which was quite surprising.
6. Albanese (Exotic Fruit): These gummies are supposedly made with "natural flavors" (though, lest we forget that they still are jam-packed with sugar and corn syrup). If anything, it's a valiant marketing attempt. This bag wasn't a far jump from the brand's original candies. The awkward, damp texture was just as present in this bag as it was in the original. The mango in this bag tasted the exact same as the mango in the original bag. But, several of the other flavors just had more going on than the original bag. The Fuji apple had a slight sourness to it, and the Queen pineapple had a more complex tartness to it than other pineapple-flavored candies I've had in the past. However, I can't help but note that most people aren't eating gummy bears for their flavor complexity.
5. Albanese (Zero-Sugar): I think that this is the first time in the history of my candy rankings that a zero-sugar product actually scored in the upper-middle percentile, let alone above other products made by the same brand. But, I can report that Albanese really surprised me here. These sugar-free candies are plump - about double the size of the Albanese lower-sugar bears - the reason for which I can't explain. The flavors are diverse; each pack contains a selection of 12 different flavors, resembling the same list as the regular Albanese bag. The texture of the zero-sugar candies is less "wet" than the other Albanese candies, and they have a much better chewiness to them. However, these candies are a "proceed at your own risk" selection. I read the Amazon reviews on this candy before I bought it, and noticed that other people reported that the product had some gastrointestinal side effects. This is likely due to the maltitol in the candies, which cannot be digested well by your stomach. The presence of this undigested sugar triggers osmosis in your gut, which can lead to some unsavory side effects, including flatulence.
4. Black Forest: When you bite in, you don't get that gelatinous chew. They are soft, mealy, and easy to bite into with your teeth. If your molars don't like to work that hard, this is a candy you might want to look at. Its flavor wasn't as diluted as Albanese's selection, which is why it ranked slightly higher on my list. The flavors in this bag were also juicy and bright; each one clung on to my taste buds even after I swallowed. While the candy flavor diversity isn't great, as it's comprised only six standard flavors, including strawberry, cherry, and pineapple, it gets the job done. The candies that are in this bag have a solid, bright flavor that makes it very clear which one is which. Is this the best gummy candy I've ever had? Far from it. But, I can appreciate that it's not as knock-you-over-sweet as some of the lower-ranking selections on this list. If you don't consider yourself as a "sweet tooth," this is a solid, approachable candy to sample.
3. Stop & Shop (Store Brand): Overall, this candy is like the bare minimum for what should be marketable as a "gummy bear." You have a great texture that's bouncy and makes your molars work, but doesn't require that you take an ibuprofen afterwards. The flavor is bright, and yes, sweet - but it's candy, so what do you expect?
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2. [Brand Name Not Specified]: Sure, the bag notes that these candies are "artificially flavored," but it's to be expected from a candy. This brand sure isn't touting any health claims, but it did have the flavor I was looking for in this ranking. The candies, which did not come with the flavors listed on the bag, were bright in both color and flavor. The green apple (or what I think was green apple) had the same slight sourness as a Jolly Rancher candy, while the orange had the essence of artificial orange that is par for the course with a gummy candy. The one point of concern I have with this brand is that it has a slight undercurrent of cleaning product-like flavor. It's not super noticeable until you take a whiff of the bag and are hit with the noxious, sugary fume. I could also taste it in the strawberry candy, which tasted almost rancid. Luckily, I could pick around these candies to find the flavors I liked, as there is more than enough in the bag to go around.
1. Haribo: These gummy bears are toothsome, in all senses of the word. Your molars will need to do some serious work to chew through these tasty and sweet candies, but I personally follow the "work hard, play hard" philosophy here, since the flavorful reward you get from them is certainly worth it. The flavors are balanced and not overwhelmingly sweet, like Stop & Shop's candies. After you finish eating one, two, or 10, you don't feel bogged down or like you got hit by the sugar rush train. There may only be five flavors to choose from in this bag, but Haribo executes each one of them remarkably well. The pineapple is bright and tangy, while the raspberry is deep and flavorful. There was a significant gap between Haribo and the lower-ranking candies, simply because this brand has the "whole package."