The end of a relationship can trigger a cascade of emotional and physical responses, and for many, it brings about questions about weight. Do people tend to gain weight after a breakup, as popular culture suggests, or is there more to the story? Emerging research sheds light on the complex interplay between heartbreak, coping mechanisms, and body changes.
The Myth of "Kummerspeck": Is Breakup Weight Gain Inevitable?
The notion that people automatically pack on pounds after a breakup, often referred to as "kummerspeck" (grief bacon), is widely circulated. However, scientific investigations challenge this assumption.
Challenging the Weight Gain Theory
Researchers have directly examined the link between relationship dissolution and weight changes. In one study, researchers completed two studies to test the theory that people may be more likely to gain weight after a relationship breakup. Most of the participants -- 62.7 percent -- reported no weight change. For the second study, the researchers recruited 261 new participants to take a different, more extensive survey than the one used in the first study. The new survey asked whether participants had ever experienced the dissolution of a long-term relationship, and whether they gained or lost weight as a result. “We were surprised that in both studies, which included large community samples, we found no evidence of kummerspeck,” Harrison said.
Emotional Eating: A Key Factor for Some
While the studies didn't find widespread weight gain, one important nuance emerged. "The only thing we found was in the second study, women who already had a proclivity for emotional eating did gain weight after a relationship breakup." This highlights the role of pre-existing emotional eating habits in post-breakup weight fluctuations.
Evolutionary Perspective
"Food was much scarcer in the ancestral environment, so if your partner abandoned you, it could have made gathering food much harder," Harrison said. "It may have made sense if our ancestors hoarded food after a breakup. "Modern women of course have jobs and access to resources now, but back then, it was likely that women were smaller and needed more protection and help with resources," Harrison said. "If their partner left or abandoned them, they would be in trouble. And the same could have gone for men. According to the researchers, it has been well documented that people sometimes use food as a way to cope with negative feelings and that emotional eating can lead to unhealthy food choices.
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The Physical Toll of Heartbreak: More Than Just Weight
The impact of a breakup extends far beyond potential weight changes. Emotional pain can manifest in various physical ways, affecting appetite, motivation, and overall well-being.
The Mind-Body Connection
“I believe 100 percent that a broken heart and emotional pain can negatively affect physical health,” says Courtney Nesbitt, L.C.S.W., who practices individual, couples, and group therapy. “The mind is a very powerful organ and heartbreak is a very powerful emotion. When the two combine, it can certainly produce a physical reaction.” Recent research has found that people who have recently been through a breakup experience similar brain activity when shown photos of their loved one as they do when in physical pain. Researchers concluded that rejection, and emotional and physical pain, are all processed in the same regions of the brain. According to author Meghan Laslocky, who has written books about heartbreak, this could be because both the sympathetic and parasympathetic activation systems are triggered simultaneously. The parasympatheticsystem is the part of your nervous system that handles relaxed functions like digestion and saliva production. It slows the heart rate and breathing. The sympathetic nervous system, on the other hand, gets the body ready for action. It’s the “flight or fight” response that sends hormones rushing through the body to increase heart rate, and wake up your muscles. When both are turned on simultaneously, it stands to reason that the body would experience discomfort - possibly even chest pains. Though we may not know exactly why heartbreak affects our physical bodies the way it does, the effects are many and can be debilitating. “I’ve even experienced patients who have had a stroke or heart attack from the stress of a breakup,” says Nesbitt, who cautions that although these are extreme cases, “they illustrate how strongly we experience emotional pain.” Jennifer Kelman, licensed clinical social worker and life coach, says that heartbreak can lead to appetite changes, lack of motivation, weight loss or weight gain, overeating, headaches, stomach pain, and a general sense of being unwell.
Coping Mechanisms: Navigating the Emotional Minefield
Recovering from a breakup requires a multifaceted approach that addresses both emotional and physical needs.
The Importance of Healthy Habits
Kelman suggests that staying active even when you don’t want to, maintaining proper eating habits, and engaging with the people in your social circle can help minimize the risks of ill health due to a breakup. “Unfortunately, the only remedy for heartbreak and emotional pain is time,” adds Nesbitt. We often try to hang onto a relationship afterwards, only prolonging the pain.
Adaptive Coping Strategies
Adaptive coping strategies, such as Positive Attitude and Problem Solving, could enhance resilience and mitigate the negative effects of relationship dissolution.
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Rumination and Avoidance: Pathways to Distress
Rumination emerged as a significant predictor of negative outcomes in academic performance and physical health. Avoidance coping mediated the relationship between rumination and emotional well-being, suggesting that individuals who ruminate are more likely to adopt avoidance strategies, leading to greater emotional distress.
The Italian Context: Family Support and Cultural Influences
In the Italian cultural context, close-knit family bonds provide strong emotional support, yet they may also intensify feelings of loss and rumination due to familial expectations and social norms. Research indicates that in collectivist-leaning cultures, where interdependence and family involvement play a central role in personal decision-making, individuals may experience greater internalized pressure following a breakup, contributing to increased emotional distress and self-doubt. This dynamic can exacerbate rumination, particularly when young adults feel their breakup is negatively perceived by family members or when coping mechanisms are not yet fully developed.
Top foods associated with improved mental health and healing following a break up, according to science.
ArtichokesScientists have discovered that eating artichokes could aid in relaxation and sleepArtichokes, which are high in prebiotics, have been shown to improve sleep and relieve stress by boosting levels of gut bacteria. according to ground breaking research from the University of Colorado, reported in journal Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience. Gut bacteria can be adversely affected by stress and can lead to gastrointestinal issues- making the discomfort caused by heart break even worse. Artichokes are also rich in potassium, magnesium, vitamins C and K, which play an important role in healthy stress response. A 2019 study reported in the International Journal of Scientific Research found that supplementing with 600mg of artichoke per day (in tablet form) is effective in the treatment of depression, and Artichoke Extract (Luteolin) has been proven to improve motivation and mood.
SoupScience confirms the healing potential of soup on the psyche of the heartbroken. A study reported in the Journal of the Association for Psychological Science, found that there is link between soup consumption and positive psychological associations with relationships, and reduced feelings of loneliness. Homemade soups are always the best, especially when made with a variety of vegetables and healthy proteins.
Dark ChocolateDark chocolate (70% cocoa or more) in addition to being delicious, may be helpful in relieving anxiety, due to the presence of antioxidants and flavanols.Research from the Nestle research center in Lausanne, Switzerland has shown that consuming 40 mg (the size of a medium-sized bar) of dark chocolate per day for two weeks can help to reduce levels of the cortisol stress hormone as well as fight-or-flight hormones known as catecholamines, and can have beneficial effects on metabolism and the activity of gut bacteria.
Raw Fruits and VegetablesA 2021 study from Edith Cowan University in Australia and published in journal Clinical Nutrition, found that a diet rich in fruits and vegetables resulted in better mental health outcomes than diets with lower consumption of vegetables and fruits.Fruits and vegetables are packed with beneficial vitamins, minerals, fiber and high concentrations of polyphenols that have been linked to improved mental health. But cooking or processing of fruits and vegetables can reduce the availability of these micro-nutrients. A study conducted by researchers at the University of Otago in New Zealand and published in journal Frontiers of Psychology found that the top raw fruits and vegetables for mental health are dark leafy greens such as spinach, lettuce, cucumbers, bananas, apples, kiwifruit, grapefruit, other citrus fruits, fresh berries, and carrots.
Fermented foods and drinksTrillions of gut bacteria play a major role in regulating mood and behavior. Consuming fermented foods, such as sauerkraut, kefir, yogurt, and kimchi can help to support a healthy gut microbiome. Because fermented foods and drinks have been through a lacto-fermentation process, naturally occurring good bacteria (lactobacillus) feed on starch and sugar, creating lactic acid which also unlocks B vitamins, enzymes, Omega 3 fatty acids and probiotics that help to maintain a healthy gut.
Foods rich in Omega 3, B6 and TryptophanSerotonin, the hormone responsible for mood, sleep, appetite and feelings of well-being, can be boosted naturally by consuming the right foods. Tryptophan, an amino acid which can be found in foods such as oily fish, milk, nuts and eggs, is a natural serotonin booster. Vitamin B6, which can be found in prunes, bananas, salmon and chickpeas, is responsible for the production of serotonin. Omega-3 fatty acids which are found in flax seed, fish oil and walnuts, are associated with brain function, and deficiencies can result in mood disorders such as depression and anxiety.
Being Intentional In The Grieving Process
Amanda Luterman, a clinical psychotherapist specialing in sexuality refers to the act of practicing mindfulness while processing a breakup as “intentional grieving.” She’s not the only one who ascribes to this approach.Being intentional in the grieving process should also apply to eating and cooking. The practice of preparing and tasting food can be highly meditative, mindful and therapeutic.
The Lure of Comfort Foods
For an overwhelming segment of the population, the trauma of a breakup creates a beeline for so-called comfort foods: tubs of ice cream, pizza, cake or other sugary, processed foods. But according to Ashley Gearhardt, a researcher at University of Michigan’s Food Addiction Science and Treatment Lab, the reward mechanism that is triggered in the brain by high calorie foods during a period of stress or anxiety is short lived, and can give way to negative emotions such as depression, fatigue, regret and anger. A 2019 analysis of 15 studies across more than 45,000 participants, confirms that diet is correlated with feelings of well-being and that consumption of healthy foods such as vegetables and fruits is associated with the most profound psychological benefits following stressful periods, such as a breakup.While most people crave comfort food like cake and ice cream following a breakup, scientific evidence shows that these are actually the worst foods for healinggettyIn November 2022, researchers from John’s Hopkins University used functional magnetic resonance imaging to observe neural responses to nutritional stimuli and found that stress affects how the brain responds to food, causing consumers to make sub-optimal dietary decisions during difficult periods.It is no wonder then, that burgers and candy rank as the number one breakup foods among Americans, according to a 2023 survey conducted by USA RX. Another survey conducted by OnePoll research and Yelp Eat 24 in 2017 found that two-thirds of people have “go-to” comfort foods, with ice cream, pizza, fried foods and cake topping the list. In “The Psychobiotic Revolution: Mood, Food, and the New Science of the Gut-Brain Connection,”’ (2022), Scott C Anderson reveals the intricacies of the gut-brain connection, how food impacts psychological well-being and the interconnectedness of the microbiome (the trillions of bacteria that live in the gut) and stress response. Bioactive compounds associated with a healthy diet, which includes fruits and vegetables, fatty acids and fiber, beneficially interact with a number of pathways related to inflammation, oxidative stress and mitochondrial dysfunction associated with mental health.
The Unexpected Transformations of Weight Loss Surgery
The impact of weight loss surgery extends beyond the physical, often triggering profound changes in relationships and self-perception.
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Relationship Dynamics After Bariatric Surgery
Before Steven Jason Williams had his gastric bypass in August 2017, he attended group sessions to prepare himself. It was at one of these classes that Williams, now 44, was first told that many married patients will divorce within years of the surgery. He turned to look at his wife, Desiree, who had trundled him into the meeting using the portable wheelchair they kept in the boot of their car. Williams couldn’t walk more than a few feet - at his heaviest, he weighed 587lbs (266kg) - and he spent nearly all his time at home, being cared for by Desiree. He knew then that their marriage was over.“I remember just looking at her thinking, that’s going to be us. Because we’re already rocky as it is,” says Williams. Two months after the surgery, Desiree was gone. “I hadn’t even got the stitches healed.”A successful YouTuber, Williams is known for the gaming vlogs he uploads as Boogie2988 from his home in Fayetteville, Arkansas. Since having the surgery, Williams has lost nearly a third of his body weight, and now weighs 340lbs (154kg). Would Williams have had the surgery if he had known it would cost him his marriage? Absolutely, he says. “It was an easy choice. My doctor basically sat me down and said: ‘Steve, if we don’t do this, you are going to die.’” But even aside from the health benefits, he would still have gone ahead - for Desiree. “I would do it again just to give her that freedom and the option to end our codependent relationship, because it wasn’t working. I just wanted her to be happy.”
Statistics and Research
The statistic that made such an impression on Williams came from a 2018 study. That found, of nearly 1,000 obese patients in relationships who had had bariatric surgery, 9% had divorced or separated within four years of their surgery, compared with 6% in a control group. Patients who were single prior to their surgery were more likely to find love afterwards. Out of nearly 1,000 single patients, 21% got married or started a relationship within four years, compared with 11% of those who didn’t have the procedure. The study also reported an association between the degree of weight loss and the possibility of finding a partner.“Many people who have undergone this treatment describe it as a strong, almost life-changing event,” says Prof Per-Arne Svensson of the University of Gothenburg, who led the research. “Many things apart from just the kilos are affected: how they socialise with people, how they become more socially active.”
The Impact on Self-Perception and Social Interactions
It’s not just how you feel about yourself that changes after dramatic weight loss. Society treats you differently, too. “A lot of these people have been obese for many years, or even their whole life,” says Svensson. “Suddenly, they lose the weight, and people start noticing them.” Patients used to being invisible suddenly find themselves to be a desirable sexual and romantic proposition.“‘Invisible’ is the best way to describe it,” says Chloe (not her real name), 34, a therapist from Shropshire. After she had a gastric sleeve fitted, she went from a size 28 to a 14. “I didn’t realise how differently I was treated to everyone else until I was treated like everyone else. I thought it was me personally that repelled people, and that’s why strangers wouldn’t make eye contact with me.”Chloe didn’t feel deserving of love when she was obese. “I didn’t really feel like I had a choice. I felt like if somebody who wanted a relationship with me came along, I had to take it with both hands and run with it.” She married her husband young; they are now separated. “I shouldn’t have got married,” she says. “I got married because - there’s no other way of putting this - he was willing.” Their marriage foundered, in part due to his low sex drive, which she attributed to her weight.When you feel invisible, you take what love you can get - even if it’s not healthy. “Western culture has a fascination with thinness as being one of our most pronounced markers of beauty and attractiveness,” says Dr David Sarwer of the Center for Obesity Research and Education at Temple University. “For people with extreme obesity, the message is, if you’re not thin, lean and toned, physical attraction, romance and sexuality is not for you.”
The Clarity and Confidence to Leave Unhealthy Relationships
Following surgery, Chloe’s self-esteem slowly improved, but her husband became resentful, she says. “He got the air that I was leaving him behind.” One day they had an argument. Chloe was still recovering from surgery, but her husband refused to help prepare for a party, and she realised how toxic her marriage had become. “I gained the confidence to see that I didn’t need to be treated that way any more.”The kind of clarity that Chloe experienced is not uncommon. “It’s not that bariatric surgery seems to be compromising healthy marriages, but rather it seems like it’s helping people get out of unhealthy relationships,” says Sarwer. “Imagine the scenario in which someone entered into the relationship with low self-esteem and self-worth. They underwent surgery and started feeling better about themselves, and they decided: ‘You know what? I can do better in terms of my romantic relationships.’”
The Burden of Caregiving
Not all relationships that end after bariatric surgery are toxic. Being with a morbidly obese person may mean becoming their caregiver; some marriages struggle to withstand that burden. “If people are struggling with significant medical complications, that can be very threatening to a romantic relationship,” says Sarwer. Desiree helped Williams wash, did the shopping and drove him to doctor’s appointments. “She was exhausted, because she was both the caretaker of the home and my caretaker. She had to do literally everything.” After Williams’ surgery, he says Desiree said: “I feel like a weight has been lifted off me - I don’t feel anxious, I’m not angry, I feel like myself again.”
Rebuilding Life After Surgery
Patients, though, can wake up on the operating table as if born anew. “Having surgery was the turning point in my life,” says Kelly Graham, 38, a team leader from Bedfordshire. “And my relationship was the biggest thing I needed to deal with.”Worried about complications, Graham’s wife didn’t want her to have the surgery - “She joked: ‘You’ll have to do it when I’m not in the country’” - so Graham had a gastric sleeve fitted in June 2018 while her wife was on holiday. Afterwards, Graham realised her marriage had been floundering for years. “I was too busy being miserable about my weight - that took over my life, more so than dealing with my relationship. But once I had the surgery and I started losing weight and feeling better about myself, I addressed the relationship.” They separated this year, after three years of marriage.
The Loss of Friends
It’s not only romantic relationships that are transformed by bariatric surgery. Many patients lose friends. Aisha Walker, 43, from Kent, had a mini gastric bypass in March 2017. Within a month, Walker, who runs the Gastric Guru support group, had lost some of her best friends. “I wasn’t the friend who just sat in the corner and said yes all the time. I gained my own spirit, and that made them feel uncomfortable.” Walker says one fitness-conscious friend felt like she had taken the “easy way out”.
Recalibrating the Relationship with Food
Patients also end up having to recalibrate the most destructive partnership in their lives to date: their relationship with food. Chloe’s eating habits had been “terrible”. “Happy? Eat. Sad? Eat. Eating was every emotion.” After her surgery, she couldn’t manage more than a few mouthfuls. “Taking away your ability to emotionally eat exposes the bits of you that you’ve been hiding behind. You’ve been hiding behind the fat.” Chloe believes her marriage fell apart because she wasn’t able to use food as a diversion from her unhappiness. “Your coping mechanism is gone.”In addition to having to adjust to life as a single man, Williams had to learn how to navigate the world in an entirely new body. “I got down to the size I am now, where people treat you like a person again … they make eye contact, they smile at you, and I’m no longer invisible and grotesque. And it’s shocking.” He experienced dysmorphia as a result. “I would look in the mirror and not even recognise myself.”
The Identity Crisis
Such a rapid metamorphosis can trigger an identity crisis. “Before surgery, you don’t really know who you are,” Walker says. “Then all of a sudden, you find your voice and you have to work out who you are. And you have to create this persona of who you want to be.”
The Importance of Emotional Preparation
When we think of weight loss surgery, we visualise its results. Rarely do we consider the emotional impacts. “You think all your problems will be solved by losing the weight,” Cupid says. “But it goes a lot deeper than that.” He found himself questioning whether he was really such a nice guy. He had made self-deprecating jokes, picked up friends from the airport. “I thought to myself: was that just a show to fit in? Maybe I’m not a nice person now I’ve lost the weight.”